Caveat Emptor 2: The Remote Strikes Back
by Tanba Josav
Summary: Just when you thought it was safe to go back to your television set.


"Caveat Emptor 2: The Remote Strikes Back"  
  
DISCLAIMER: All the familiar names belong to the 'Great Flannelled One' the rest of them just live in my head. I'm not making a cent off this, okay?  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Greg and Danny stood awkwardly in the living room of their girlfriend's apartment. "We said six, right?" Danny asked his friend.  
  
Greg nodded and glanced at his watch, which read 6:10. "We're gonna be late." He hollered.  
  
"Be right there," Jane yelled back. "Just make yourselves at home, or something."  
  
"Chicks, man," Greg said. "Can't be on time for anything."  
  
"Yeah, they'd probably be late to their own funerals." Danny walked over to the couch. "Want to see if there's anything on the tube?"  
  
"Sure why not. Best way I know to get your girlfriend's attention, settle down to watch something."  
  
Danny laughed in agreement. "Amen to that!" he slumped down on the couch.  
  
Greg sat down on the other end only to jump up suddenly in surprise. "What the hell?" he grabbed at his side. "I sat on something!"  
  
Danny reached across and felt about behind the couch seat and pulled out a black object. "Hey, what's this?"  
  
Greg, who was dragging the cushions off the couch, looked up. "Looks like one of them lightsabres, man. Hey, maybe its Mace Windu's, see if it got some writing on the side like 'bad motherfu – "  
  
Danny activated the sabre and the television came on surprising them both.  
  
"Woah, it's a remote!"  
  
"Cool," Greg said. "Wonder why the girls had it hidden back there?"  
  
"Who cares." Danny replied. "Let's see what's on?"  
  
[At first the only thing to be heard was a harsh heavy breathing. It bounced off the pieces of machinery that were scattered about the room. Then something strode out of the darkness. It was a large imposing figure clad entirely in black armour, apart from an area about its imposing stomach where the seams didn't quite fit. A flowing black cape and a high domed helmet finished off the look. In one hand it held a deactivated lightsabre, in the other a doughnut.  
  
The figure tried to take a bite of the doughnut but only managed to smear icing sugar onto the helmet. "D'oh!" despite the metallic tone of the voice it was unmistakably male.  
  
Throwing the doughnut to one side the man strode into the centre of the room and looked about. "I know you're here, boy."  
  
There was a rattling noise as a small figure on a skateboard darted into the room.  
  
"Cowabunga, man!" With that rallying cry the boy flipped off the skateboard. At the height of his leap he activated his own sabre, slashing down at the dark figure.  
  
The man activated his red blade and parried the strike. 'So, Bart, we finally meet," he said  
  
"Less talk, more action, Darth Homer." Bart said.  
  
"As you wish."  
  
The pair of mismatched warriors darted about the room, parrying and slashing and generally breaking everything in sight.  
  
Partway through the duel Darth Homer suddenly took a few steps back and held up one hand.  
  
"Time out." Sitting on a conveniently placed six-pack of beer he slumped over, breathing heavily. Bart took the opportunity to rest, also.  
  
Reaching down the evil Sith Lord pulled out a beer and waved it at the boy.  
  
"Nah, man," Bart said. "I'm driving."  
  
Darth Homer popped the tab and poured the beer into the grill of his helmet. "Ahh!"  
  
"Dude, if you drank less of that beer you might be able to keep up with me."  
  
Darth Homer crushed the empty can. "Why you little –" he reached out with the Force and started strangling the boy.]  
  
"What the hell is this?" Greg said. "I don't remember this episode."  
  
"Wait a minute." Danny started channel surfing.  
  
["Narf! What will we do now, Darth Brainy?"  
  
"Same thing we do every night, Sithy, plot to take over the galaxy!"  
  
'IT'S SITHY, SITHY AND DARTH BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN!']  
  
["Splash it on and feel the Force."]  
  
["The Council has spoken. Its time to go . . . Adi Gallia."]  
  
[Four little Padawans walked into the cafeteria; the smallest had his hood pulled tightly over his head. They wandered over to a large, bald, black man who was standing behind a counter.  
  
"Hello children."  
  
"Hi, Mace!"]  
  
["Last week on Tatooine PD Blue . . ."]  
  
[C3PO and R2D2 are sitting at a baseball game, R2 has a cap perched on top of his dome while 3PO idly waves a pennant about. The squat droid whistles something to his friend.  
  
The golden droid looks down at his counterpart in confusion. "What do you mean, 'who's on first'?"]  
  
["Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father, did he?"  
  
"He told me something, but I forget what it was."  
  
"Oh, well in that case." Homer cleared his throat and gestured towards Bart, who was balanced precariously on his skateboard over a large abyss. "Bart, I am your father."  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"]  
  
Greg and Danny pulled mock expressions of horror and yelled their denial along with Bart.  
  
"I still don't remember this episode and I've seen them all, man." Greg said.  
  
"I think I know what's going on," Danny said, "Jane told me about this. Your ditsy girlfriend bought this old remote that turned everything into Star Wars episodes."  
  
"No way! Why didn't she ever tell me about that?"  
  
"Don't ask me, man," Danny replied. "I ain't dating her."  
  
Greg snatched the remote from Danny's hand. "Let me try."  
  
[A long view shot of a stream of hover cars, zipping along in orderly lines, appeared on the screen.]  
  
"Now what?" Greg asked.  
  
"Dunno, guess we watch and find out."  
  
[The shot zoomed in on one car in particular, showing two men inside. One was a surly looking black man with goatee and short Afro. The other was a slightly overweight white man. The two appeared to be arguing.  
  
"Do you know what they call a quarter pounder and cheese on Coruscant?" Mace Windu was saying.  
  
"I dunno," his friend replied. "What do they call a quarter pounder with cheese on Coruscant?"  
  
"The Imperial Royale. Can you dig that [bleep]? An Imperial Royale!"  
  
"Yeah, so?"  
  
"So, my friend, it proves that McPalpatine is a multi-glomerate mother[bleep]er. Intent on dominating the whole [bleeping] galaxy."  
  
"All that from a name? Is that why you left the Jedi Temple?"  
  
"No, I left the Jedi Temple because that little green mother[bleep]er kicked me out! I ought to get righteous on his ass!"]  
  
Greg started slapping the remote. "What's wrong with this thing? What's with all the bleeping?"  
  
"I'm guessing it's because it was made to George Lucas's specifications."  
  
Greg turned to stare at Danny for using such a big word. "Say what?"  
  
"Hey, just because I'm a Californian surfer type doesn't mean I have to succumb to the low brow expectations of the masses." Greg kept staring. "Dude." Danny added.  
  
Greg looked relieved. "Oh, right on. Now why is it bleeping all the time?!"  
  
"My guess is old George is so used to doing PG movies that all his products automatically cut out any swearing, excess violence or sex scenes."  
  
"[Bleep] that!"  
  
"Here," Danny took the remote. "Let's try something else."  
  
["JAR JAR! JAR JAR! JAR JAR!"  
  
The mixed crowd of aliens and human were on their feet shouting and clapping waiting for the host of the show. Off to the side were six or seven burly Gamorrean bodyguards. Their porcine snouts and squinty eyes peeking out over the black tee shirts with the show's logo printed on them. It was another taping of Coruscant's most popular talk show.  
  
Just as the frenzy couldn't get any greater Jar Jar Binks walked out on the stage causing the crowd to scream and roar in delight.  
  
The self-effacing Gungan flashed his famous grin and waved his arms about in a placating manner. "Okey day, okey day," he said quietly, waiting for the noise to settle. When it finally did he launched into his customary introduction. "Hello, peoples, meesa Jar Jar Binks and dis is meesa show!" Jar Jar raised his arms in the air to another roar of adoration. "Tonight for your tello we have Jedi Padawans and the Senators who love them."]  
  
"Ha!" Danny said. "Didn't I tell you that guy would get his own show one day? Although I thought it would be some cheesy kids Saturday cartoon show, kinda like that Ewoks one."  
  
"Yeah, yeah. Let's try something else."  
  
[Two figures dressed in khaki shirts and shorts were walking through a dry gully. The taller of the two was talking animatedly over his shoulder.  
  
"Today we're looking for the Gol'tang lizard," Qui-Gon said. "In recent years it has been almost hunted to extinction but luckily, thanks to the efforts of the local government, its numbers are now on the rise. It could be dangerous, but that won't stop us, right Terri?" Qui-Gon gave the camera a manic-like grin and gestured forward. "Let's go find it, eh?"  
  
"Its Obi-Wan, you idiot!" The long-suffering Obi-Wan just sighed deeply and followed.  
  
Just then there was a skittering noise amongst the rocks.  
  
"Crikey!!" Qui-Gon leapt forwards and dove under an overhang. He emerged a few minutes later with a large blue lizard in his arms. "Isn't she a beauty?"  
  
Before anyone had time to answer the lizard opened its jaws and clamped them around Qui-Gon's head.  
  
There was a muffled scream of anguish and then Qui-Gon was flailing about the rocks, knocking cameramen and boom operators to the ground.  
  
Obi-Wan just groaned muttering, "Now who's the pathetic life-form?"]  
  
"That Croc dude gets everywhere!" Greg said.  
  
"That wasn't the Croc dude, Greg."  
  
"Whatever, why don't we just go back to the Simpsons, man? That's like my favourite show."  
  
[Bart Skywalker was helped onboard the Millennium Falcon by Apu. The boy moaned and sank to the floor. Suddenly a loud unintelligible roar that trailed off into a loud burp echoed about the ship.  
  
"I'd better go see what Chewbarney wants," Apu said.  
  
Princess Lisa rushed into the cargo area. "Bart, are you okay?"  
  
Bart lifted up his right arm and waved the empty sleeve about. "Argh, Lis!"  
  
Lisa gasped in shock as the two droids wandered in behind her. "Oh no!"  
  
"Ha, ha, ha!" Bart's hand popped out of his sleeve. "Gotcha!"  
  
"Bart!"  
  
The taller of the two droids stepped forward. Marge-3PO was covered in gold from the tip of her beehive to the soles of her feet. "Oh, thank goodness you're all right!"  
  
Her small counterpart made a few garbled noises and fell over.  
  
"Maggie expresses her relief, also." Marge translated.  
  
Bart looked around. "Hey, where's Millhouse?"  
  
"A bounty hunter took him!" Lisa said.  
  
"Excuse me," Apu's voice spoke over the ship's intercom. "I am thinking you should be coming forward, please."]  
  
Danny hit the mute button as the telephone rang. "That's probably the others wondering where we are."  
  
Greg picked up the receiver. "Yo . . . oh hey, Steve." He looked across at Danny. "You're right, it's Steve."  
  
"I knew it, hang on let me check with the girls." Danny stood up and walked down the hallway.  
  
"What's up, my man?" Greg asked, killing time. "Just waiting on the girls, you know what women are like . . . say, did Natalie ever talk to you about some freaky remote? . . . didn't think so . . . yeah sure . . . okay, see you then." He hung up the phone and threw himself onto the couch.  
  
A few minutes later Danny wandered back and sat down next to him. "They say they'll only be a few more minutes."  
  
"Should we believe them?"  
  
Danny shrugged. "How should I know. What did Steve want?"  
  
"He said the gang was going to go shoot some pool, while they wait for the table. I figured that was okay and said we'd meet them at the bar."  
  
"Cool." Danny turned off the television and flipped the remote onto the floor.  
  
"Listen," Greg said. "What do you think the chances are of borrowing that remote?"  
  
"I dunno, why?"  
  
"Well I don't know about you," Greg said. "But I'd love to see what it might do with Sex and the City." 


End file.
